006 - Question Marks > Exclamation Points

Questions, questions, questions.  What questions are you asking in your life right now?  In this episode of The Unsettled Podcast, Todd & Thomas discuss why asking questions is instrumental to an unsettled life and what specific questions each of them are asking in their own lives.  

Ask God: "What's the question I need to be asking?"

Referenced in this episode - 

• The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
• The Pause App

CALLED TO MORE.  MADE TO RISK.

Episodes Produced by Guestroom Studio Mastering Engineer Caden Baughman

Music Credit - It was Never Enough by Sunbreak.  EpidemicSound.com 

Transcript

Intro

Todd 0:05

And so now there's there's something that this question does to open the door to growth, to maturity, to moving beyond where you currently are. And I think that's that's why we want to ask good questions so that we don't just find ourselves doing the same thing over and over again and with no room for improvement. Welcome to the Unsettled Podcast, episode number six, and Todd and Thomas here as we are jumping into spring here in the middle of Kansas, and it's windy, and one day it's 90, and the other day it's 50. Hopefully, some rain. I like spring. I love fall. I'd rather it be fall, but spring's okay too. Anything do you like spring? I do. I I like all the seasons, but I'm I'm let getting less and less tolerant of the wind. I is this normal? Like it feels like wind in Kansas over the last like five years has exponentially increased. It has. I think everything's increased.

Thomas 1:08

I think everything's more dramatic. Or, you know, don't you feel like it's

Todd 1:12

is that because of is it our fault? Is it something wrong with us?

Thomas 1:15

Let's not get into that. That that's another that's another episode.

Todd 1:18

That's a different podcast, I think, altogether. Right. Yeah. Well, hey, thanks for jumping in, jumping on with us today. We are continuing our conversation about being unsettled and a life of being unsettled and what that means. And last episode, we we finished up by kind of posing some questions, some things that we wanted to get people to consider and think about. And Thomas, as I as I think about questions, I I can remember

Why Questions Are Important

Todd 1:42

when I was a youth pastor, I had a guy who was with, I don't think I've told this story here. I've said it before, but I had a young man who was with me for seven years as I was a youth pastor. And then he graduated, went off to college, he and I got together to have coffee one day. And I noticed as we were having conversation, I was asking him question after question after question. And he never once asked me a question back. Like we we knew each other well and had gotten together and thinking, I was thinking, hey, this will be a good time to just catch up. And he never asked me one question about my life. And it just made me realize like asking questions is a little bit of an art for him, but it's also super important just in relationships and then also in how we are developing as people. So when we start thinking about questions and asking questions, why do you think that questions are important, particularly in your own life, whether it's relationally or just in how you approach your daily life?

Thomas 2:43

I think it shows buy-in. I mean, it shows buy-in that I'm I'm interested in you or I'm interested in what's happening. My wife is a school teacher. It means a great deal to her when she is lecturing or teaching that she gets response back. So that usually comes in the form of questions. The kids that really relate and really seem to get the material are the ones that are saying, let me, I'm thinking about what this means. Now, why not this? And then that shows her, that communicates to her, hey, I'm buying into what you're saying and I really want to grasp it. I think to your point, when you and you've told me that story before, it made me think, am I doing that to people? Am I showing them respect? Am I showing them buy-in in our relationship because I'm engaged and I do want to know how your family is. I do want to know what's what's up with you. I think we take that and put it in our relationship with God. If we're not asking questions, are we participating in that back and forth? Or is it just, I'm just sitting here waiting. So just tell me what I'm supposed to do. It's a I'm participating with you and I want information back from you so we can we can have that relationship. Yeah, keyword engagement.

Todd 3:51

That that seems to be if I want to be engaged, if I want to continue to grow in this, asking questions is a great way. It's it's the open door to to more and to understanding more and to getting into something. I mean, when when you start learning a new craft, you need to start asking a lot of different questions about how do I do this? What are the resources that I need? What are the tools that I need? And so those questions are really important. And we want to be able to explore what are the questions that we are asking and how are those questions kind of helping us to grow and to not be settled.

Thomas 4:27

Oh, and questions show, isn't there a sense of humility too? I'm admitting that I don't know something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I'm asking, if you're explaining quantum physics to me and I say, I'm not sure how that works, I'm showing you that, hey, I'm maybe I don't have all the answers, so I'm asking you to teach me, which is putting me on a different level. It's just showing some humility. I that is important as you continue to learn, continue to grow, that you're saying I don't have it all figured out, which I think is what we initiated on the very beginning of this podcast is that we don't have this figured out. Part of this is us asking.

Todd's Question - "God, what do you want me to know?"

Thomas 5:00

So last episode we had talked about what is a question? I know you had a whole list. What is a question that you are dealing with that I am dealing with lately? So I ask you, what is your question? You know, how did you hear it? Or what are you doing about it? Yeah.

Todd 5:17

Yeah. So I I do, I have a lot of questions, even in my journal right now, several different things that are just things that I'm curious about right now. You know, you you and I have talked a little bit about a gentleman named Jamie Winship, and we've listened to some of his podcasts and and different teachings and things like that. I've I've I've been able to hear from both him and his wife, Donna, and they they have this question that has really stuck out to me over the past year. And this is the question that I've been asking, not just in regards to one thing, but kind of in different areas of my life. And it's actually a really simple question. The question is, what do you want me to know? And when I say that, it's not a question of I want to know more information. So I'm this is a question I'm asking God. God, what do you want me to know about blank? Okay. So, like, for example, right now in our church, we I sense that we're at a place where we are are gonna transition into something different. And so I'm asking the question, and I'm asking our church to ask the question as well to God, God, on behalf of our church, who or what what do you want us to know? And and as he reveals those things to us, that's what I want for us to then ask the follow-up question. And what do you want us to do? And so Jamie and Donna winship, they they they use this question as a way to get at basically having God reveal something to us that we would have not known had we not asked the question. And so so I'm asking that question, particularly in it with our church, but also just like when I go on my walks in the morning, when I get about a quarter mile into it, I I get to the question, okay, God, what do you want me to know today? And it's just, I'm just asking it because it it does put me in a place of humility. It puts me in a place of I have more question marks than I do exclamation points. I I don't want to be entering into the day thinking I know what's going to happen and what I need to do. I want to know from God how do you have me to enter into into this day? So, what do you want me to know about the day going forward? And sometimes it's as simple as just just rest in me. Just a real simple, you it's nothing like, I mean, there's no explosion of new information that I'm learning, but it's just reminders of what's true as I go into that day. And so that question has been helpful for me. I know it can feel a little generic, but I I've I have found that just by that posture of asking, it puts me in a place of listening so that I'm not entering into the day thinking that I got it all figured out.

Thomas 7:58

So it's not a particular, what do you want me to know about X? It's just what do you want me to know? Period.

Todd 8:04

Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's a little more open-ended because some sometimes that question does come into place with a specific. Like, for example, with my son getting ready to go off to college. God, what do you want me to know about him and particularly where he needs to live or what we need to do with his financial aid with with college? And so there are some sometimes there are specifics to that, but when I've been doing it recently, it's more generic because I'm not I don't want to try to box God in for that day. I want to open myself up to what is he trying to tell me. And so that's my way of being in a posture of listening.

Thomas 8:41

So I mean, I think it it is important to say, what do you want me to know? Because I I don't know, but also because it is just stating the fact that I'm open. Yes, I'm open to what financial aid means for my son. I'm open to who I need to talk to today. And so it allows you to kind of keep your day open, so to speak, or keep your mind open.

Todd 9:04

Yeah. And and it's also what do you want me to know about this podcast? I mean, just even as I enter into this today, you know, I I don't want to just assume that I have all the answers to this. And so it it really is helpful for a guy like me who a lot of times I feel like I need to know the answers to everything. And so just by putting myself in a position of saying, I don't, and God, I need you, that is a much better place for me to be so that I'm not walking out each day thinking I have to have it figured out. It's more I'm staying in tune and abiding with Jesus so that I can walk that out on a daily basis. So yeah, that's that's my question.

Thomas 9:45

Okay. Well, since you've told me that, as one more comment on that, when you made that comment to me when we were having lunch, I've taken it in terms of when I've had, and I've had some, I would call crises in the past couple months. Some of it's personal, some of it's with family, some of it's at work, some of it's legal. I mean, there's just been things, but what I've been trying to stop and say, what do you want me to know? I get I get emotional or I get you know stimulated, I get all this like worked up, and then it's a what do you want me to know about this? I've found that that helps me to kind of de-escalate a little bit because I'm admitting I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix this particular problem, I don't know how to handle this particular person, so it kind of takes my emotions down. I've been kind of stealing that for the last couple months.

Todd 10:32

So I just it's just for me, it's it's a really simple question. It can be applied to pretty much everything, specific and general. Yeah, it it just there is a humility to it, and now I'm engaging with God. So that's my question. What

Thomas' Question - "What am I trying to control?"

Todd 10:47

question are you asking?

Thomas 10:48

Mine has been, based on some of the situations I just described, it has been what am I trying to control right now? I I have always been, I've said it before, this pragmatic, logical, probably overthinking type of person. And so what am I trying to control? And the reason I say that is because I constantly feel this, I don't know if anxiety is the right word, but this this tension and this tightness because I've had multiple things lately that there is not anything I can do about. And it just leaves me in this, I feel frustrated, I feel hot, I feel just all these different emotions because I'm I'm feel like I'm trapped, like I'm cornered, based on how other people or actions other people are taking or decisions that other people are making. I can't change that. I've always been able to understand that. I've always been able to say, well, I can't control what Todd does, I can't control what other people do and say, sure, everybody knows that. But I'm not doing that. I think that, I believe it, and I can understand it. But I'm realizing with some of these things lately that I am consuming an incredible amount of energy, worrying about or being frustrated about what decisions other people make. And so I'm I'm reading a book. A friend of mine recommended it. It's the Let Them theory. Mel Robbins wrote this book. I think everybody should read this book, and I'm not through it yet, so just a disclaimer, but I'm on my way. But he no way it's unsettled podcast. So he recommended this to me, and I I've never heard of anything about it before. But the first two chapters, you know, sometimes things just meet you right where you are. It is just, and I'm reading this like, did this get written? This got written for me. I I this is right where I am. This is what I'm trying to understand. The point of that is you can't control other people. I mean, to summarize the entire thing, and then how do you how do you navigate that for yourself? It very closely lends itself to me to this whole idea when we went through you, sent me that it was that meditation app, or it was it was an Eldridge. Oh, yeah, the pause app? The pause app. Yeah, what the experience is. I give everyone and everything to you, God. And I I went through that and it was very meaningful, and it and it still is. This book is is not a it's it's not a religious book, it's not a Christian book, but I'm seeing a lot of similarities between that idea, the point being, it's bigger than me. I can't control this. Let me give this up, let me quit consuming all of my energy on this. And what I've found that doing those things has done is some of these things that I have that are pressing, I mean, they're right in my face today. I mean, they they've been in the last couple weeks. It helps my emotions to settle out even for a couple minutes, slow down a little bit, I get my perspective back, and truly actually am starting to live out the I can't control this part instead of I I know it, but now I'm starting to feel it. Wh

Todd 13:50

at what did you say? What's the name of the book?

Thomas 13:52

The let them theory. The let them theory. The let them theory.

Todd 13:56

So you're letting them

Thomas 13:58

do what they're gonna do.

Todd 14:00

Regardless of how you feel about it.

Thomas 14:02

C orrect.

Todd 14:03

Are you talking your kids, your wife, your ever everybody?

Thomas 14:08

Yes, I am. Okay. And the second component to that is let me, which is so I'm letting you decide what you're gonna do. I'm letting me control how I respond to it. Okay. What what then that does is that releases me from being responsible for the way you're acting. And that can be good or bad. It doesn't mean it's only when negative things happen. It's just about taking that, a voice said it's that emotional roller coaster. I'm on the highest of highs to the lowest of lows and smoothing it out. Smoothing it out where you feel like, okay, I can manage. Like I can, I can handle this very complicated situation, this very emotional situation thing I'm totally uncomfortable with. I can handle it because my emotions are not driving what I'm doing. So one of my one of my best friends, his dad passed away multiple years ago. And it's it's a that's a whole nother story, and and I'd love to have him on here. But his dad was just a hard guy. I mean, just one of those old school, just a hard guy. Very, I mean, I had a lot of respect for this guy, and he scared me to death growing up. But I spent a lot of time around him. In the later part of his life, he was going through um, I mean, he was dying. I mean, he he had this terminal disease, and it was just you saw this strong, tough, rugged guy, and you just saw him get withered away over time. It's a very, very difficult thing to deal with. But I'll never forget, I was over at his house, and it was just the two of us. I don't even remember the circumstances. And I was having a conversation with him, and he made the comment to me, he just said, You you've got to take your emotions out of this. And I'm looking at a guy who has been reduced, I mean, physically reduced, to where he was in his life, and he said, Any decision that you make strictly out of your emotions is is probably gonna be wrong. And I'll never forget that he he told me that, and especially in the circumstances that he was in. And so I I think to these some of these things that have happened, I mean, I you know, I that I'm going through, that I'm I just can't I can't control these things. These things are are other people's decisions or they're things that have happened. I'm I'm they're in my sphere, so to speak, but I can't change them. So if I get my emotions high, which I have been doing, well now I I can I can lash out or I can I can ruin relationships or I can do these things because I'm emotional. But if I can understand that, hey, that's what they're doing, here's what I'm gonna do about it, and then I can lower my emotions down, it's like, well, now all of a sudden I kind of have a way through this. And I direct draw a direct parallel to that study of, well, God, I give everyone and everything to you. I'm giving this person to you because I can't control them. And I just think over the course of my life, I have been trying to control those things. So I've been consuming this amount of energy that's been overwhelming, and then what that does is it doesn't leave me with enough energy for the life that God made for me.

Todd 17:06

You are detaching and you are separating yourself from something that is controlling you because you're I mean, you're you're trying to let go of something that you're trying to control, but also by trying to control that, it's controlling you, right?

Thomas 17:25

Yeah, you you are giving other people the ability to run the life that you have, and and it was just this almost epiphany of uh and I'm like, I've been doing this wrong for a long time. I mean, you know, but but I have a lot of questions. Again, I have a lot of questions about what that looks like, but take somebody you don't know. Take some if you were we're sitting in here right now recording this, if somebody was out there stealing your car, somebody you don't know, if you all you did was I'm so mad at this person, I hate this person, that person probably went and chopped your car and they'll never think about Todd again. Yeah, right. But you now are that person is controlling your life because you're just so angry, you hate what they've done, and you're consumed by it. So that person is out doing their thing, they're controlling your life in the meantime. And I mean, that's just one bad example, but that that's I constantly see that happening with uh and again, a lot of this is not in my direct family, or you know, a lot of it is it things at work or things you know that are that are totally outside of normal day-to-day life, but you realize that I'm gett letting people have control and access to me that I why why I'm letting them have it. Right, right. When did when did you start asking this question of why what am I trying to control? It was about two weeks ago.

Todd 18:45

Okay, okay. What and what did this book trigger that question?

Thomas 18:50

It it all kind of happened around the same time, you know. So I started asking those questions because I was feeling I was feeling that. I was you know, I'm thinking about these problems at night. I'm I dream, I'm a vivid dreamer. I dream about these problems. I wake up in the morning and before I even get out of bed, I think about these problems. I'm guessing a lot of people listening to this have something in their life right now that they're going, I'm doing the exact same thing. I I I'm thinking about this all the time. I I I mean, I was at my kids' sports events, I was at their concerts, and I'm thinking about this person that wronged me. Or I'm thinking about this decision that this other person made that really, really hurt me or disappointed me. So now I'm not present. I'm not here with my kids, I'm not here with my wife, I'm not here in the life that God gave me. I'm spending my energy on these other people who aren't even thinking about me right now. So I started asking the question Am I what does it mean to control? I don't want to control these people, I don't want to have anything to do with this, but I'm wrestling with that internal, that's what control. I'm it's it's giving control and taking control and just saying, man, that's enough. And I was telling a buddy about this, and he's the one that recommended that book to me. So, and it just kind of seems to play into right where I'm at.

Questions Lead to More Life

Thomas 20:07

Okay, yeah.

Todd 20:08

Those two questions. I mean, my my question of what God, what do you want me to know? Your question of what am I trying to control, these were triggered by something in our lives that was going on for for me. It was more of I was listening to you know Jamie and Donna and what they find helpful for them for themselves. But then I also found in my own life, like I've I thought that question could actually be helpful because I I don't want to be somebody who gets stuck and isn't growing and maturing. And so I I want to have good questions that I can be asking so that I I don't just fall into that rut that we talked about a few episodes ago. You're in the same way here, you're asking this question. What am I trying to control? Not just to ask the question, but to actually discover something that maybe you weren't aware of, and especially recognizing now this is really consume me. This is taken away from all the things that you just talked about. And so now there's there's something that this question does to open the door to growth, to maturity, to moving beyond where you currently are. And I think that's that's why we want to ask good questions so that we don't just find ourselves doing the same thing over and over again and with no room for improvement.

Thomas 21:24

And and that's the point of this podcast. I mean, it it's that it's the unsettled feeling. It's the I'm gonna ask questions because I I want to do better. And and not I don't want to get a better career necessarily, I don't want to buy a better car necessarily, I want to live, I want to be present in my life better. And questions is how you do that. When crises come up, when bad things happen, when good things happen, let me let me learn about this, let me understand what's happening to me so I can I can be present in it. I truly believe the lives we've been given were meant to be. To be lived. They were meant to be experienced. And checking out of them is not good enough.

Who We Are Becoming

Todd 22:06

It actually reminds me, I think, of I think I can get this quote right. Dallas Willard, something to the effect of the most important thing about a man is not what he does, but is it who he becomes and who he is becoming. And that's it's it it's moving beyond just my my behavior, just the things that I'm currently doing right now to a shift to where where is God leading me? Who has he made me to be? And I don't want to live lacking, or I don't, I don't maybe I don't want to die having not in some way reached that potential of who God has made me to be. And without condemnation, like I I don't want people sometimes I've I can hear from somebody, you know, they they aren't doing what they think they should be doing, or they're just less than. And then they kind of go into that place of condemnation and and self-contempt and self-hatred and stuff like that. I don't I don't want to lead people in that direction, but I had actually had a conversation with a young man. We were talking about what are things that you fear, and and he was saying that he fears not reaching his potential. And this is this is a 17, 18-year-old young guy in high school. And I thought, man, that's I think that's a really good place to be, as long as it doesn't lead you into a into trying really hard to make yourself become something. Instead, if we have that fear of, man, I I I really do want to be who God made me to be, and I don't want to not reach my potential, well, let's turn that into a question. Let's let's find a way to reframe that and say, God, is there a place in me that you want to grow me so that I can become the man that you've made me to be, the woman that you've made me be, the husband, the father, you know, all whoever you've made me to be. I want to be that. So, what is it that you want to show me? Where is it that you would like to grow me so that I can reach that potential and do that in partnership with you? And we don't get there without asking questions.

Thomas 24:14

Right. Those were all a whole list of questions. Yeah, it was, yeah. Because how do you know, how do you know who you are? How do you know what your purpose is or your identity if you don't ask? If you don't seek that out and say, I admit that I can't do this. What am I trying to control? I admit I can't, I don't have all this figured out. Yeah. So let me ask . Let me ask.

Life Changing Questions

Todd 24:36

Yeah. Yeah, that was that even reminds me, you know, back to my story from I think episode three. God, who do you say that I am? I mean, that that opened the door. That that one question was what shifted everything for me. Changed my life. That one question. And maybe there's a question that, as a listener, what do you need to ask? And and maybe that's the starting point. God, what's the question that I need to be asking right now? Don't and don't just take our questions. I mean, we obviously we're trying to go based on where we're at in our lives right now, but God, what's the question that I need to be asking? Because that is potentially it's a life-changing question.

Thomas 25:19

I had I had a conversation with a guy last night with a really close friend, really intelligent guy. He's I think he's on the fence about what what this whole God thing is about. And we were just having a conversation, and I I literally came down to I can't I don't have all the answers. I can't I can't explain all these things to you. Why would I want to? I don't want to be able to understand everything that God's capable of. But where we left the conversation was ask. If you ask and you don't hear anything, then then that's a different conversation. But have you even asked?

Todd 25:53

That's it. It it is a huge starting point if we can just believe that we have a God who will listen to our questions and who then will answer as well. Yeah,

What Are Your Questions?

Todd 26:06

I I I I remember just a brief story. I remember Morgan Snyder, which is a uh guy I've listened to for a long time on podcasts, and he when he was younger, was I think he walked into his professor's into his professor's office, and I think he wanted to be mentored by him, if I remember right. I might get the story wrong. But and when he walked in to the professor, the professor said, Well, what questions do you have? What are your what are your questions in life right now? And he was like, Well, I don't know. I just want you to teach me. I just want you to mentor me and coach me. And he's like, You go go and when you determine and figure out what your questions are, come back and then we'll work together. I thought that, ah, that's that's a great approach, I think, to God. Like, not that he's gonna send us off and be like, nah, I don't want to talk to you. Go go figure out your questions. I but I think there is something to being able to come to him with my questions. And and some of those are really hard, and some of those are you know huge questions, some of them are small and more intimate questions. But what are the questions that we are coming to God with and what are the questions that we are bringing just just to life so that we don't get stuck?

Thomas 27:22

We had a couple interviews for some people at work here that and we conducted here a couple weeks ago, and both candidates they came to apply for our job. The the first candidate came in with a paper and a pen and had things prepared and wanted to know about us and wanted to know specific things. The second one came in and I asked them, so what questions do you have for us? And it was just awkward crickets. So that communicates something. Yeah, yeah. It says, I really haven't spent any time thinking about this or how I might fit in or what I might be able to offer you or how this works. I'm just going through the motions. I worry that that's gonna be God's reaction is like, do you have questions for me? Are you trying to, are you striving for anything else for something better? Do you want to engage me? Because if you do, how could you not? How could you not have questions?

Todd 28:17

Yeah. Huh. That's really interesting. I I bet I know which one you're more interested in.

Thomas 28:24

You are correct.

Todd 28:25

Well, this idea of asking questions, man, I I just think it's really important. And I that whole question marks are greater than exclamation points. You know, I don't I don't think we need to be walking into life thinking we got it all figured out. But but I guess the question today would be, listener, what questions are you asking? What question are you going to God with? What's the question that you are reflecting on for yourself? And you know, I I think Thomas, you and I, as we continue to reflect over, reflect on these questions that you and I just asked today, I'm gonna bet that over the next you know six weeks, six months, there are more questions that pop up. And perhaps we can continue to kind of chat on those and just see where God continues to grow us.

Thomas 29:13

Yeah, we we talked about listening first, which might be backwards, but now we're talking about asking. Then you go back to listening again. And it it's a constant, it's a journey, it's a constant improvement that we're trying to live, and we can't do that without asking and listening.

Todd 29:28

Yeah, really good, really good. Good stuff. All right. Well, hey, thanks for joining us today as we were checking this out. We'll probably have a few things in the show notes, just uh some questions maybe that you want to ask yourself. But go to God, ask him what's the question that you have for him right now. You've been listening to the Unsettled podcast.